Taxi Drivers to Passengers with Credit Cards: Fuck You

NYC Taxis recently were mandated to accept credit cards, with an increasing number of them sporting fancy new devices attached to television sets facing passengers.

I don’t know what the purpose is though.  I have yet to take a taxi or car service in any city where the driver didn’t bitch to me that “paying by credit card costs me 5%.” 

Deer in Headlights

I don’t call the people I ride the subway with “animals” for no reason.  Today, for example, when I tried to board the train, and asked people (very politely, btw) to please move further into the car so that I could get in, the animals just stared at me like deer in headlights.  Literally, about seven people looked directly at me, but not one person budged. 

I tried to forcibly squeeze myself in after asking nicely didn’t work, but sadly had to give up (which is incredibly rare for the Angry Subway Guy, I assure you). 

As I struggled to get out of the car (with the conductor repeatedly slamming the doors on me now) two equally disturbed ladies standing on the platform said to me “there’s a ton of space to the right too.”  I replied “Unbelievable, people are such assholes!”  And then apologized for using the word asshole.

Get Out of My Way Headphone Guy

Upsetting new phenomenon:

People with their headphones on who won’t get out of your way when you’re trying to get off the train.  For those out there who are culpable of such an act, here’s what I’ve got to say to you:

When the train pulls into a stop, and I get up out of my seat, it isn’t because I want to hang out and stare at the side of your fucking head.  No, I got up because I’m about to get off the train.  Don’t make me have to ask you guy – just move over a little bit. 

Chicken McNuggets

Tonight a middle-aged man reading “The Guardian” (of Trinidad, not London), squeezed into the seat next to me, and immediately proceeded to squat over and start eating  Chicken McNuggets.

Now, in the few times that I’ve actually eaten Chicken McNuggets, I made myself sick by looking at the inside of what I had just bitten into.  So you can imagine the horror I felt sitting next to someone else biting into those nasty little things.  With that foul batter and processed who-knows-what creeping into my nostrils.   Horrible.

But it could have been worse.  Thank god he wasn’t dipping.  And at the next stop, someone at the other end of the car got out of her seat and I was able to move-the-hell-away from that McNugget eater.

Homeless Guy Sleeps on Subway Floor

Few things are as irritating as when strap-hangers selfishly clog vestibules and make it difficult for others to board a train.  However, there are certain situations when it is undeniably necessary for folks to behave in such a manner, including one special morning last week that I’ll recount for you here…

I hopped onto the train and people were packed together like frightened fish, even though it seemed that there was plenty of room for everyone to stand comfortably in on the south side of the car.  Not only that, it seemed that every seat was available in that area of the train.

Then I figured out what was going on: A homeless guy was sleeping on the floor over there.  That’s right, not across some seats, but stretched out across the floor. 

I saw the people closest to him trying to avoid stepping on his hands or head, or trying to avoid having his breath or drool drip onto their ankles as the train twisted through the tunnels. It was disgusting.

Cripples Can Be Assholes Too

Today when I got out at my stop, I was blocked going up the stairs by a 60ish year old crippled man.  He had his arms and cane outstretched across both lanes, preventing anyone from passing either up or down. 

There was a man higher up the staircase than me, who for whatever reason didn’t have the courage to just say “excuse me” to the crippled guy.  He shouldn’t have had too, but in any case, I wasn’t about to let him slow me down on my race to work. 

So I squeezed and pushed my way bye that crippled asshole, who I swear to god intentionally leaned more in my direction as I passed him. 

I didn’t look back to see whether I knocked him down…. No, I just quietly said aloud, to myself, “fucking crippled asshole, taking up the whole staircase.”

Teenager Eats Egg and Cheese… on the Subway

When I got on the train this morning, I thought I smelled sulfur…

Low and behold, a teenage girl was eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich.  It is basically a sin to eat anything while riding the subway, but eggs are particularly offensive.

Don’t get me wrong, I love egg and cheese sandwiches.  However – like cigarettes – it’s one of those things where only the person partaking in the consumption actually enjoys it, while everyone else suffers.

* * *

Tomorrow we’ll examine the growing problem of the homeless sleeping sprawled out on the floor of subway cars rather than lying across the seats.