Away for New Years

Praise the Lord Hallelujah, I am getting out of this hellhole! 

Going to visit friends in the Midwest for the holiday, and am very, very excited about it.  I know it’s crazy… somewhere pigs must be flying right?

But in all reality… I’m just really fucking happy knowing that I won’t have to ride the subway for a few days. (I won’t be blogging either – but will come back on Jan 2 okay?)

Homeless Mother Forgoes Free Meal, Begs Instead

This story is from about ten years ago…

So I was on the N train… when a homeless woman with a child comes across another car into mine and starts begging.  “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, me and my child is hungry… Please if you can spare any change, a dollar a nickel a quarter, or if you have anything to eat, please.” 

Once she finished with her spiel, she proceeded to walk around putting her hand in front of each and every rider’s face, begging….

Next thing I knew, one of those “coalition for the homeless guys” came across into our car from the other end…  He was collecting money, but also announced “If anyone is hungry, I have sandwiches,” holding one up in the air out of his nap-sack as proof.  Then he started going around trying to collect money from folks…

Well, the homeless lady and child and the coalition for the homeless fella ended up walking right bye each other – not one morsel of food was exchanged, which prompted a really funny (and pretty damned courageous) Brit to stand up and say aloud to the coalition guy (and the rest of the subway riders) –”she’s hungry — right over there, that woman and her child, why don’t you give them a sandwich?!”  Then of course, both of these homeless representatives proceeded to berate the guy.  “I can ax him for a sandwich if I want to – mind yo business!”… “She can ax me if she wants to – mind yo business sucka.”

What a scene — I’ll never forget it.

Don’t Stop Walking When You Get Off the Staircase

Whether you are going up or down doesn’t matter.  The end of a staircase is NOT the place to start contemplating where you’re going.  And it’s definitely NEVER supposed to be your final destination (i.e., where you plan to stand until the train pulls into the station). 

I’m constantly having to bark “excuse me” to people these days.  It’s frustrating.

In Honor of Bernie Goetz

We can’t forget all the other Angry Subway Guys out there…  the original trailblazers… Today (Dec. 22, 2007) marks the 23rd anniversary of the Bernie Goetz subway shooting… I don’t think you were a racist Bernie…  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernhard_Goetz

No Strollers During Rush Hour

Sorry ladies, but it fucks up everyone’s morning.  Please wait until there aren’t millions of people crushed against each other on their way to their 9-to-5s before bringing large obstructions with you onto the train.

This applies equally to people with carts, boxes, luggage… BICYCLES (I’ll actually have to write a separate post on those people)…  

I May Be Angry, But Not As Angry As This Guy

I think I just found my first employee….

 http://www.nysportspace.com/video/video/show?id=873694:Video:5143

Legs Wide Open

Way to go homeboy… The small middle-aged Asian woman sitting next to you is totally too afraid and timid to ask you to close your legs a little…  Because she, and I, and everyone else on the train can tell that you actually would physically assault her if she did… We’re all so impressed. 

Coffee on My Shoe

I’m actually not completely against drinking coffee on the subway (or other liquids that I’d rather not have spilled on me).  However, I am against people who inevitably will spill their coffee while on the train. 

Tonight on the way home, a girl came aboard with a coffee (Starbucks, which actually has the added protection of a sip-top lid) and took a position holding the rail above where I was sitting… and I could tell right away that she wasn’t going to get off the train without spilling on me first…

And then, of course, she did…

It didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it could have - just one drop on my shoe – but that said, it was a big enough drop that I felt it (didn’t see it fall, as I was reading the paper). 

I looked down at my foot and she said “sorry.”  I said “alright, alright,” waving her off like it was no big deal.  And then I pulled a tissue out of my bag and made a point of it to wipe off my shoe, which of course re-induced her guilt causing her to say “sorry” over and over again.  Moral of the story:  Don’t drink coffee on the train if you can’t handle it. 

There’s Room for Two People in the Aisle You German Tourist Low-Lifes

This morning an old German tourist couple (possibly expat actually) boarded the train after me. When I got on, I walked in as far as I could, and then held onto the rail, undisturbed, with no one touching me…

Then that German couple entered the picture… This woman was completely in my personal space. I got really perturbed but held in my anger. Fortunately, I was able to get a seat at the very next stop… at which point I saw that this woman wasn’t trapped up against me at all. In fact, she was just standing nonchalantly about 3 feet out from the railing…  As if there was room for only one person in the aisle… As if I wasn’t standing there to begin with…

Those old bastards were just smiling and laughing, enjoying being rude because, hey, “it’s New York right.” 

So my peeve of the day is actually two-fold today:  First, I hate people who [needlessly] invade your personal space… it doesn’t even make any sense, why would you want to be pressed up against a stranger when you have a choice?  Second, I hate foreign tourists.  Especially French and Germans who grew up watching Die Hard and so think that they can go around acting like total assholes because they’re in NYC… and this is some kind of badass place… Well, I got news for all you tourist lowlifes who infest our streets and even the subway during rush hour when us real people are trying to get to work:  You are so fucking wrong, but one day someone over here really is going to steal your shit and shoot you.

Almost Got My Ass Kicked

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later… Fortunately it didn’t happen at all… but I came damn near close tonight folks…

I wrote just a few days ago about how annoying it is when people decide to fuck everyone over by going down the stairs when clearly 100+ of us are going up the stairs trying to get wherever we are going… and the train has obviously left the station (see “You Just Missed It, Fuckface, Dec. 10).

Well, I had enough of it tonight, and seriously bumped the fucker who was doing it to us tonight.  It truly is incredible — the people I choose to get tough with versus those I don’t… I seem to have a knack for getting to my whits end as soon as the offender is some kind of 6 foot 3 homeboy toughguy badass looking dude… (I am a 5 foot 9, 140 pound Jew whitey, by the way)…

I was just in no mood to deal with bullshit and I purposefully and aggressively bumped that big mofo… I had my headphones on but I could feel him try to push back… After which, we both turned and looked at each other… He tried to give me a hard ghetto stare but I didn’t give a shit… I just said “fucking asshole,” … loud and clearly…  And I am telling you — I kid you not – He just gave-the-fuck up and went down the stairs.  I have not one bump or bruise on me…

I told a friend tonight at dinner that I’d like to think that when this asshole looked into my eyes, he was afraid of me… That he saw the vengeance and fury I was about to unleash on his ass with my umbrella…  But like she said, in all reality, this big ghetto-blaster-sonofabitch probably just said to himself, “you know what Bee, I’m on parole, I ain’t gonna go back to prison fo’ this lil’ ….”

Good night ya’ll.

Angry Subway Guy