Women are Bad Drivers (And How this Translates to the Subway)

Sorry to generalize here ladies, but you know how you all have a bad wrap for being bad drivers?  Well, the same applies in many cases to the subway.  It’s not your fault. It’s embedded in your DNA.  And I suspect that the very same innate force that causes you to [very]abruptly stop while walking down a crowded street when some fabulous shoe in the window catches your eye is the culprit.

The thing is, you ladies get kind of distracted when you’re out and about in the city. The crowd creates a mental fog of war or something.  And of course, you must always tread lightly while wearing heals. 

These issues can cause problems for men like me on my way to work and back home. These two annoying examples happened tonight - and happen all the time:

1. Ladies walk really, really slow down the stairs… through the turnstiles… on crowded platforms… and the streets… often they have a perplexed look on their face or step to their gait, like “where am I?”  Today I literally had to bark at a woman who I was trapped behind trying to get out of my home station after a long angry day’s work. “HELLO!”  I had to yell at the back of her head. Like, wake up and move lady!

2) Ladies walk really, really slow up and down the stairs but at the same time hate walking directly behind other slow women.  You know what I’m talking about.  Either way, this phenomenon, in turn, creates havoc when inevitably two slow women end up blocking both lanes of traffic…. Honey, if you’re not going to walk faster than the woman on front of you, please just walk behind her, no matter how much subconscious pain and irrational female jealously it might provoke in you.

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I’m back, baby

Don’t Stop Walking When You Get Off the Staircase

Whether you are going up or down doesn’t matter.  The end of a staircase is NOT the place to start contemplating where you’re going.  And it’s definitely NEVER supposed to be your final destination (i.e., where you plan to stand until the train pulls into the station). 

I’m constantly having to bark “excuse me” to people these days.  It’s frustrating.

No Strollers During Rush Hour

Sorry ladies, but it fucks up everyone’s morning.  Please wait until there aren’t millions of people crushed against each other on their way to their 9-to-5s before bringing large obstructions with you onto the train.

This applies equally to people with carts, boxes, luggage… BICYCLES (I’ll actually have to write a separate post on those people)…  

Almost Got My Ass Kicked

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later… Fortunately it didn’t happen at all… but I came damn near close tonight folks…

I wrote just a few days ago about how annoying it is when people decide to fuck everyone over by going down the stairs when clearly 100+ of us are going up the stairs trying to get wherever we are going… and the train has obviously left the station (see “You Just Missed It, Fuckface, Dec. 10).

Well, I had enough of it tonight, and seriously bumped the fucker who was doing it to us tonight.  It truly is incredible — the people I choose to get tough with versus those I don’t… I seem to have a knack for getting to my whits end as soon as the offender is some kind of 6 foot 3 homeboy toughguy badass looking dude… (I am a 5 foot 9, 140 pound Jew whitey, by the way)…

I was just in no mood to deal with bullshit and I purposefully and aggressively bumped that big mofo… I had my headphones on but I could feel him try to push back… After which, we both turned and looked at each other… He tried to give me a hard ghetto stare but I didn’t give a shit… I just said “fucking asshole,” … loud and clearly…  And I am telling you — I kid you not – He just gave-the-fuck up and went down the stairs.  I have not one bump or bruise on me…

I told a friend tonight at dinner that I’d like to think that when this asshole looked into my eyes, he was afraid of me… That he saw the vengeance and fury I was about to unleash on his ass with my umbrella…  But like she said, in all reality, this big ghetto-blaster-sonofabitch probably just said to himself, “you know what Bee, I’m on parole, I ain’t gonna go back to prison fo’ this lil’ ….”

Good night ya’ll.

Angry Subway Guy

You Just Missed It, Fuckface

Today, as about a hundred of us were all ascending the staircase en masse, trying to get to work, some asshole decided to descend, even if it meant slowing all one hundred of us down… even though, of course, FUCKFACE ALREADY MISSED THE TRAIN.

Happily, I wasn’t the only Angry Subway Guy who got peeved by this.  Me and the guy ascending next to me, who both had to stop in our tracks if we didn’t want to get pushed down the stairs by this douche, both said, at pretty much the same time “You just missed it guy.” 

Wow does that type of shit make me mad.

Get Out of My Way You Pussy

If someone is blocking my way, I say “excuse me.”  It’s not a big deal.  It’s society’s agreed-upon method of asking someone to move out of your way.  If someone says ”excuse me” to me, I move out of the way.

So it blows my mind when I am stuck getting out of the train behind a guy who doesn’t ask the person who’s blocking his way to move slightly so that he (and all of us stuck behind him) can get off at his stop.

Well, when this happened to me tonight, I yelled excuse me at the person who was blocking the pussy-on-front-of-me’s way.  Then, as she (yes, a petite chick) let us all bye, I couldn’t help but mutter “fucking retard can’t just say “excuse me” “.

Tourist With Legs Crossed

I’ve written in the past about instances when you just say to yourself, bewildered, “don’t make me have to ask you guy.”  Like when you get out of your seat as you pull into a station, obviously on your way out, and some dude just stands there blocking your way.

Tonight, I got onto a car, and this tall hick-looking motherfucker was sitting with his right leg crossed above his left, foot way up in the air.  I had my headphones on and just gestured to this asshole, pointing to his foot, non-verbally communicating “what the fuck is your problem, sit up like a normal person and let me bye.”  (he did).

Deer in Headlights

I don’t call the people I ride the subway with “animals” for no reason.  Today, for example, when I tried to board the train, and asked people (very politely, btw) to please move further into the car so that I could get in, the animals just stared at me like deer in headlights.  Literally, about seven people looked directly at me, but not one person budged. 

I tried to forcibly squeeze myself in after asking nicely didn’t work, but sadly had to give up (which is incredibly rare for the Angry Subway Guy, I assure you). 

As I struggled to get out of the car (with the conductor repeatedly slamming the doors on me now) two equally disturbed ladies standing on the platform said to me “there’s a ton of space to the right too.”  I replied “Unbelievable, people are such assholes!”  And then apologized for using the word asshole.

Get Out of My Way Headphone Guy

Upsetting new phenomenon:

People with their headphones on who won’t get out of your way when you’re trying to get off the train.  For those out there who are culpable of such an act, here’s what I’ve got to say to you:

When the train pulls into a stop, and I get up out of my seat, it isn’t because I want to hang out and stare at the side of your fucking head.  No, I got up because I’m about to get off the train.  Don’t make me have to ask you guy – just move over a little bit.